I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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