$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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