i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
