She's JV to your varsity
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
