There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
