so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
