Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize