Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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