Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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