Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
