You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
