im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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