mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
