I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
