I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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