I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
