I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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