Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
