I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
