I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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