Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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