Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
