You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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