Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
