I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
