I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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