Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
