I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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