My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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