guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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