I need to stop coming to work sober
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
