mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize