He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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