you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
