Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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