Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
