last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize