I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
