Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
