I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize