update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
