What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
