I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
