I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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