Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
