just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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