Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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