Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize