two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
