Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
