Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
