just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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