If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
