I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
