i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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