I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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