peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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